Ever since the West was won, and suburbs began to sprout like weeds, the American people have, for the most part, not had to worry about any sort of Alpha Predator in their daily routine. This is no longer the case. With the militarization of the United States Police forces, all Americans are potential targets for these untamed, wild beasts. Follow these simple steps and you will most likely survive your next encounter with the police.
1. Do Not Break Any Laws!
You may think, “ahh, I never do anything to warrant a cop attack!” WRONG! You may absent mindedly spit on the sidewalk, jaywalk across a street, even forget to signal a lane switch while driving a car. These may not sound like violent offenses, but a cop can sniff out a break in the law no matter how small. One small infraction and you could have a whole pack surrounding you.
2. Keep your hands visible at all times
Cops are suspicious by nature, and if they cannot see what is in your hands, they may automatically assume it is a weapon directed at them. When this happens they will pull their weapon, and ‘subdue’ you.
3. Don’t make any sudden movements
Cops are very fickle creatures and are spooked very easily. If a cop stops you, slowly put your hands on your head and turn to face them. But remember: Don’t make eye contact! A cop has a badge and a gun, and this put them above the common person in the social hierarchy of the animal kingdom. Eye contact will spook them, as they now believe that you have sinister intentions and are not afraid of their superiority.
4. Play dead
If a cop does decide to stop you, the most prudent thing to do is slowly get on the ground and curl up into a fetal position. The smaller you become, the less of a threat the officer will sense.
5. Don’t scream for help or claim loss of breath
A cop does not care how much air you are able to breath. Claiming loss of breath only encourages the officer to increase his attack, as he knows you are not yet submissive. Also, any use of your voice depletes the little remaining oxygen you manage to gasp in through his department approved choke hold.
6. Remain Calm and Submissive
In order not to provoke the officer into attack, remain calm. Any increase in your heart rate or breath rate is almost certain to set off the cop. Cops can sense when you are stressed, and use that moment to enter into an alert state, as they now fear for their lives.
7. Join the Police Academy
The only sure way to prevent an attack by a cop is to become a cop. Once you are a cop, the chances of your being shot by a cop are almost zero. Cops survive in packs, swarming their pretty with their overwhelming numbers and federally subsidized military hardware. Which side would you like to be on in that scenario? Plus, if you do commit a crime, it’s almost certain you will get away scot-free! If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em!